Messages from a Liminal State

 I’m begining writing the same day as the last one. I’m listening to the Doctor Who 60th anniversary concert on YouTube, while waiting for the train to arrive. I’ve decided to do this while waiting for the train too, if I have the time for that. Theoretically, I could be back at the school, doing something productive, but I got frustrated with a Swedish course’s substantive exercises, and my own rustiness with the language. So I listened to Wonderland by Juno Dawson to it’s conclusion, and came to the station to wait for the train. It won’t be here for another half an hour or so. The trip back to Tampere is going to be longer, since I’m taking a commuter train, rather than an intercity train. So it’s going to be stopping at significantly more stations, lengthening my trip by about half an hour. Possibly even more. There are pidgeons. It’s raining. I polished my nails between my first update and now. I feel like I’m in a Finnish domestic drama film, and I’m the main character....

I feel like I should write down what thoughts dwell in the depths of my mind, rather than suppress them. Suppressing emotions is a very familiar act to me, I’m not only Finnish, but born as… what I am not. But it’s not healthy. Let them out. Vent the steam. If a dam has no openings, it will spill over, or break. Keep the kettle lid on too long, the tea is bound to boil over. I need to open up. But I dare not open up in a way that… inconveniences people. That’s how I see it. It never occurs when I listen to other people open up. That’s not an inconvenience to me, au contraire, it makes me feel useful, valuable. If I can’t so much as listen to other peoples’ woes, what good am I? And if I can’t help them talk through tough times, what use am I? But when I open up to others, I feel vile, like I’m taking their time, taking away from their enjoyment. I feel like an inconvenience. And I hate feeling that way. This computer is no psychiatrist, it’s no therapist, it’s certainly not going...